Meet the Women

By Authors of Spouse Illustrated / Posted on 12 July 2011

The Queen Mother

The Queen Mother: Much like the princess, this woman is looking for a loyal subject, not a partner. Like your mother, she will be telling you what to do and when to do it — most of the time this will revolve around how you can serve her and make her life easier. Her friends [...]
The Princess

The Princess: She thinks she is special and won’t give you the time of day unless you play along. A lover of all things pink and sparkly, this woman is looking for a adoration, not companionship. She is proud and loud about being high maintenance. Her parents spoiled her beyond recognition, and now nobody can [...]
The Waif

The Waif: This woman is looking for a daddy and a provider. She wants to be taken care of, but she does not see herself as entitled the way the Princess and Queen Mother do. She will be looking for the man she thinks needs to be needed, because she is looking to be rescued. [...]
The Psycho-Bitch

The Psycho-Bitch: We all have met her. This is the woman with the personality of a superball – once it starts bouncing, you haven’t a clue where it will end up, but it is sure to cause some destruction along the way. This is where the Princess, Queen and Waif merge, and you may be [...]
The Castrator

The Castrator™: This woman should remain single. She is looking for a boy, not a man. She wants to control your money and your time, but more than that, she wants to control your career choices, your self-esteem, and even your friends. The more you stand up to her, the more you will be punished [...]
The Spermerator™

The Spermerator™: The spermerator does not respect men – she may not even like men, indeed, this category includes that small number of lesbians who will do a hetero stint in order to get a baby. Yep, this woman just wants you for your sperm and probably the monthly check that comes along with it. [...]
The Trapper-Keeper

The Trapper-Keeper: This woman believes men are to be possessed and that getting to that point is a competition with other women. Her self-esteem rests on seducing a man and staking her claim. The only way she can be sure that she has successfully done so is by getting a man to marry her. The [...]
The Span-a-Man™

The Span-a-Man™: She goes from one man to another with no distance in between. Probably the new man is being courted before the old man even knows he is history. This woman cannot be without a man, and so she bridges them until the relationships invariably, and secretly, overlap. She is desperate for male validation [...]
The Bling-Banger™

The Bling-Banger™: Yep, she bangs for bling. For some men, this is not a woman to run from. That is your choice – as long as it really is your choice. How do you know if you have a Bling-banger™ on your hands? First, you have to be rich in comparison to her; second there [...]
The Sex-Goddess

The Sex-Goddess: This woman loves sex, and if she loves you, the sex will be off the charts. If you are with a Sex Goddess, this might be the most substantive aspect of your relationship, but this would not be a bad tour of duty. There are worse things than sex once or twice a [...]
The Cheerleader

The Cheerleader: This woman does not just adore you, she adores life. She really is a happy, optimistic person who would be great to have in your corner whether you are establishing a career, raising a family, or building a home. She will get your self esteem rising before you know it. Some of her [...]
The Playmate

The Playmate: This woman is just plain fun. Being with her is like being with a buddy. There is no fuss; there is no muss. Life is easy with her. She has the same interests as you, so you enjoy each other’s company and conversation. The Playmate is often an athlete, but that depends on [...]
The Free Spirit

The Free Spirit: The Free Spirit is the opposite of the Psycho-Bitch. As the name implies, she can just go with the flow. She is not making sacrifices for you — whatever makes you happy, makes her happy. She is motivated by creating happiness. If you are going to do something that she does not [...]
The Confidante

The Confidante: The Confidant will be your best friend. She is like the cheerleader but approaches you from a more spiritual base. She really cares about you and your soul’s desires, and as soon as she hears what you want, she will help you get it. Because of her deep capacity for love and her [...]
The Professional

The Professional: The Professional is the opposite of the Queen Mother. She will do her share of taking care of you, but it will be in a cooperative reciprocal manner – not in a controlling and demeaning manner. With the Professional in your life, things will run smoothly and you will enjoy spending time with [...]